Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
