I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
