2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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