I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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