between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
