Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
