Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So much rum. So many feels.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
