I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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