I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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