dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
