Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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