New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sext me about skeletons
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
