I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
