she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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