I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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