and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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