im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
