I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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