is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
