you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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