Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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