I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
