Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
