i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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