Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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