I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
