dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
