I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
