Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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