I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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