Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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