come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
