Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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