Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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