ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
whose parrot is this?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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