I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
