my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
