I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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