Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize