He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
