The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
