the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
