I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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