I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
