totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
