Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
