If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
