It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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