Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
