I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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