new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
