There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
