Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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