we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
