Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
