in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
