I could make wine with my vomit
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
