Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
