just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize